With school in session and a new grade level on my plate, free time is a precious commodity these days. I did however manage to escape at a decent hour today (only putting in 10 hours instead of my normal 12), so I was able to take care of business and still have time to write-yay!
The above GIF pretty much summed up my reaction when I spoke with a specialist regarding my MRI from the Chiropractor. She ordered and ultrasound to confirm something I had discovered at my yearly woman check up about a year earlier. I had a really large cyst in my abdomen and it seemed to have engulfed my right ovary. They were not concerned at the time even though at 8.2cm it was still a rather large cyst. The doctor I had seen previously said it was a ‘simple’ cyst (meaning it was fluid filled) which would most likely resolve itself and/or completely disappear and that they would be keeping and eye on it.
This appointment brought me the news that not only did my cyst not resolve itself, but it had grown almost 2cm and turned into a ‘complex’ cyst (no longer fluid filled and possibly a solid mass-which was why it appeared on the MRI apparently). She very gently informed me that it was time to consider a surgical removal based on the fact that it was on my right ovary. She said due to the size it could flip and cause torsion which would cut the blood supply off to my ovary and cause immense pain. She was amazed that I was not in pain as it was, because it was so large she could feel it upon a brief examination. She said I more than likely would have to have my ovary and fallopian tube removed as well.
And if that wasn’t all…they saw another mass on my left side which was possibly another cyst of the same size. When I asked her to explain the sizing to me, she basically told me to imagine carrying two over-sized grapefruits around in my stomach. Hmmm. Not the greatest of imagery, but it did put it in perspective for me. She said they didn’t know if the second mass was attached to anything in my body, they wouldn’t know until they got in there.
I went home that evening with my head spinning. First the thought of having surgery was freaking me out of course. Secondly, even though I really had never entertained the idea that I would even have kids; the fact that the choice could possibly be taken away from me really upset me. She didn’t say for sure I wouldn’t be able to have children, but my chances would be lessened with the removal of one ovary and fallopian tube, and if they got in there and found something wrong with the other ovary then my chances would go from bad to non-existent.
I am a teacher. I have plenty of honorary nieces and nephews to love and spoil (technically they are my second cousins but that’s kind of an odd relationship to explain to a child so I am ‘Aunt Jamie’). I am single and creeping closer to my 40’s so I figured I was not in the place to have a kid. I also wasn’t sure if I would even be a good mother. Let’s be honest-after a day at school I am less than patient when I am at the store and some kid is running around like he/she owns the place. I didn’t think that kind of attitude would translate well if I were to go home to a child (even though everyone says it’s different when it’s YOUR child).
BUT (there is always an ever-present ‘but’ isn’t there?) I was upset that it was no longer my choice. I don’t know if I am able to explain it well. People pointed out to me that I had remarked on occasion that I wasn’t really sure I wanted to have children to begin with. Now that I possibly couldn’t I should be happy and not be too concerned about it since it wasn’t a factor anyway.
Still…the choice was gone. I was no longer in charge of my body or my decision regarding that subject. I also started feeling like maybe I was defective. On a particularly bad evening several weeks later, I was dwelling on the subject and started thinking “What if this is God’s plan for me because He knows I would be a terrible mother?” Yes, I did go to a pretty dark place in my thoughts.
I am not what you would call a religious person. I don’t go to church. I don’t follow a dogma of any kind of religion. I have never been baptized, nor do I pray on a regular basis. Still-I have always felt there is something greater than me whether it be a higher power, an omniscient being, an alien from another universe, etc. I have always felt that things happen for a reason, even though we don’t always understand that reason (I.E. both of my parents dying separately and way before their time).
I struggled with my thoughts about the subject for some time. It was always at the back of my mind, it effected my feelings toward myself, and it consumed me. I couldn’t (and really still feel like I can’t) put into words exactly what I felt or what my thought process was. People would question me and then look at me like I had two heads when I was trying to explain myself. Mostly I kept quiet and tried not to let anyone see really and truly how much it was bothering me.
Like I said, I feel like things happen for a reason. This was all going on around the time of my training for the full marathon. I don’t have an exact timeline because it’s all so jumbled at this point. I had decided that with my leg issue there was no way I could run the full marathon and I refused to have a WORSE time than my first marathon, so I emailed the race director (who was very nice) and dropped down to the half-marathon. I was beside myself with the stress of my so-far undetermined injury, trying to train for the full, finishing up standardized testing at school and getting ready to move my classroom, and then the worry about my upcoming surgery was icing on the cake (or the cherry on the sundae-whichever food related euphemism you like better). I got a text message one day that provided me with the outlet and distraction I needed from what was going on with me.
Cliffhanger alert! Just kidding. I am going to finish this post and start another one solely dedicated to the Ragnar since it was so amazing. I will also be posting about my surgery as well, which will most likely have to be another separate post. In true Jamie fashion, I have rambled on long enough on this post and need to have a breaking point so people don’t want to break me!
Runs Through Sprinklers 