Since it’s been a while since I’ve written, this will be a catch-up post. It’s been an eventful six-ish months for me. I finally paid off my student loans and can now afford an apartment on my own (with the help of my second job of course!). While we are on the subject of affordable housing-housing cost is ridiculous right now! I wish I was in the financial position that I’m in now, 3 or 4 years ago because I would be in my own house right now! In Arizona the cost of living has skyrocketed and housing is at an all-time high.
I was working with a realtor and looking at houses for a hot second, but promptly got that idea out of my head when he took me to look at houses in my price range and I realized all I could afford is something in a not-so-safe neighborhood, or an extreme fixer-upper that would take A LOT of work to get it into livable shape (think Money Pit). Seriously, some of those places were pretty sketchy. I’m surprised we didn’t stumble upon a dead body half-buried in the backyard or that the ceiling didn’t cave in as soon as we tried to enter the premises. It’s so improbable to afford a semi-decent, livable, house in a safe area right now in Arizona as a single person. (I know plenty of married people who are having issues as well!) 3-4 years ago the housing market was great! It was more realistic and normal; people actually had the opportunity to become homeowners. Now it’s flipped due to people from out of state buying up everything left and right (investment properties mostly) which drove the costs back up. Let’s just say I pay more for rent on a one bedroom apartment than my brother and sister in law do for their mortgage on a 4 bedroom house with a pool!
When I began looking for apartments last summer, I was shell-shocked at the prices. I had moved out of my own place and in with a roommate soon after I started teaching (granted it was about 15 years ago) because I was struggling to pay the bills when my rent was $650 a month and my complex was going to raise it to $800. I was SO stressed about paying $800 plus utilities for rent. I WISH I could find a one-bedroom apartment for that price now!
I looked at so many different places last summer and went back and forth between a price I could realistically afford and what I wanted to sacrifice as far as location and space in the apartment. I saw some REALLY nice apartments, but they were ridiculously priced! Some of them were OVER $2k a month, and that was just for the base rent! Now apartments add all of this extra stuff on that you can’t opt out of. Apparently concierge trash is a thing now. Seriously, I am perfectly capable of walking my trash bags out to the dumpster by my big girl self-why do I have to pay someone $35 a month to do it? Also, why do I have to pay for the delivery service for packages?! I get that they try to make it convenient and safer for people so packages have less chance of getting lost or stolen, but I don’t order that many things online and that’s another $40 a month that I feel like I shouldn’t have to pay! All those add-ons add up and make the rent prices at least $200 more than what the advertised “base” rent is. That’s also before you add water and trash and gas too. That’s all lumped into one “utility” bill that you get directly from the apartment complex so it gets added onto the rent as well.
I finally ended up finding a place I liked. It wasn’t my favorite out of all I had seen, but it was decent. I was actually trying to decide between two places, one that was closer to my grandmother and one that was closer to my friend. I ended up going with the one by my friend-for $1900 a month! (At that point it was one of the least expensive I had seen and included the internet/cable as part of the rent). As soon as I signed the paperwork I started to regret it. The more I drove around the area (which was about a 30 minute drive from my grandmother’s house, about 50 minutes away from school, and WAY farther south than I planned), the less I liked the location based on where I shop, my gym, doctors offices, etc. To make a long story short, I ended up freaking out last minute and not moving into that apartment for various reasons (including how NOISY it was) and ended up moving into an apartment that is a sister property to the other one that I was considering from the beginning. It ended up being bigger, brighter, closer to everything and was $1555 a month (before taxes and fees) rather than the $1900 I was going to pay at the other place. (It works out to be about $1770 a month after all the taxes and fees). The only thing that is really a drawback, is that the new apartment is on the third floor and the one I was originally going to go with was a second floor apartment. Also, for the record I tried to negotiate with the apartment complex about paying the extra fees for trash and delivery. You have to put your trash out between 6-8pm (no sooner) so they can come pick it up. Most nights I don’t get home until well after 9pm from job 2 so there was no way I could actually take advantage of the service. Unfortunately they were firm on that and said there was no way to get that taken out of the lease.
Honestly, it wasn’t that bad to move in. I had family help and other than totes, I didn’t have much to move in since I didn’t have furniture or anything yet. We made a nice chain with a few people on each landing of stairs to hand totes up. It really only took 2 hours max and that included drive time and time to load from my storage unit (I had to rent one and store all of the stuff I had stored in my grandmother’s garage since my cousin moved in. It took me longer to unpack and go through everything that had been in storage for so long, than it did to actually move it all in to the apartment! I had ordered a living room set and bedroom set from Ashley Furniture (NEVER AGAIN will I order furniture through Ashley-WORST experience and terrible quality!) and that was slated to be delivered a few days later. So other than my mattress (which was still rolled up and compressed into a cardboard box) I literally had totes to move and a few loose boxes.
I am an emotional person. We know this. I feel things very deeply. I’ve always been this way. Moving is a stressful, emotional thing anyway and I was for sure over-emotional during the whole process. I had been renting a room from my aunt and uncle and helped take care of my grandmother for about 13 years. 13 years of being in the same place, the same comfort and the same routine. 13 years of always being around people. 13 years of not having to stress about money (well okay, there is always stress about money, but a lot less stress!) All of the sudden I was on my own for the first time in 13 years. It was quiet. I didn’t even have my TV hooked up yet so I didn’t even have that for noise. We were on October break from school and I had requested days off from job 2, so I didn’t have those two things as a distraction. I was literally spinning my wheels for the first time in I don’t even remember how long! For the first few days I didn’t even have anywhere to sit outside of having my mattress on the floor. I struggled emotionally-A LOT when I first moved into my apartment. I had unpacked and organized right away so I didn’t have that as a distraction either! It was a huge adjustment for me and it took me a minute to get my feet on solid ground. I was convinced that I had made a terrible mistake and I wasn’t going to be able to make it on my own. I had more than a few meltdowns. It also didn’t help that I was going through drama with my friends that first week in the new place as well.
Luckily I have a friend, who has turned out to be a very good friend, who lives close by. He got me out of my apartment, made me laugh, listened to me whine-and didn’t judge me for it, and helped me realize that being on my own again was a GOOD thing! I finally started to settle in and make my apartment a home. I got rid of all of the old decorating stuff I had from my previous apartment (so out of style and cheap and ugly! Haha). I started planning how to make my space feel more like me. There was a lot of retail therapy and maxed out credit cards involved! I still get lonely from time to time, and when I’m not working my crazy schedule I feel a little out of sorts, but for he most part, it’s nice to just be me and do what I want with my things in my own space.
I’ve also made some other changes in my life. My friends…I still call them my friends because ex-friends sounds so weird and a little too junior-highish, and I really do still consider them friends even though we no longer have contact. I haven’t seen or spoken to any of them in over six months. I’m not going to get into the whole story, but we imploded around the time I moved. Really, the issue was just with one friend in particular, but unfortunately I’ve come to realize I was friends with the others because of her, and that makes me sad.
I did a lot of soul searching and deep thinking after everything went down, and realized I never really hung out with any of them on my own, we were always with my other friend. After what happened, none of them reached out to me so I assumed they chose their side. It’s sad really. I miss them sometimes. However, I also realized over the last few months, that I never really was able to be my true authentic self around them. I feel like I always held back parts of myself in order to “fit in”. I also realized there was no actual closure to the whole situation. I would like some closure. Everything was just kind of left hanging in the balance and we just sort of…stopped. We stopped all form of communication. No calls, no texts…just….nothing. I reached out a few times in the beginning but there was no follow through. After receiving a happy birthday message on FACEBOOK instead of text (that felt like a slap in the face to me), I did take them off of my social media. I figured if they can’t reach out to me just to talk, they don’t get to see what I’m up to in my life through a third party. Does that make me petty? Maybe. I hope that others don’t see that as petty, but as a semi-rational thing to do. I didn’t do it to be mean and there was absolutely no malice intended in it whatsoever. I was deeply hurt and feeling my feelings. On that same token, I can’t see what they are up to either so…
While I’ve been doing some deep soul searching (since I have a lot more “me” time now), I have come to the realization of late that I have two personalities. There is “teacher” Jamie and just “Jamie”. Teacher Jamie has been teaching for 16 years. Teacher Jamie had not dated the whole time she was teaching. I don’t know why-it just felt like it wasn’t the right time? (A question mark because I’m most likely not explaining it correctly). Teacher Jamie is goodness, sweetness, purity and setting a good example for everyone around her. Teacher Jamie loves to help people and goes out of her way to make other people happy. Teacher Jamie always has to be on her best behavior and has to sensor her language, thoughts and feeling and always has to be “on”.
Sometimes, Teacher Jamie is a doormat. I realized when I went to lunch with an old friend from a previous school, how different I am around people in the education world. My whole personality changed from “Summer Jamie” back to “School Jamie” while I was lunching with her. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a bad thing, and I’m sure a lot of people go through the same thing, but the realization that it’s not just a “professional” persona versus a “private” persona kind of snuck up on me.
It’s not a bad thing to be professional, especially as a teacher. But I am coming to the realization that Teacher Jamie and Jamie 2.0 are two very different people. A lot of the parts are the same, but there are some very significant differences. Teacher Jamie was my dominant personality for a long time. When I was in college pursuing my Bachelors in English and Education (double major) we were always told we have to “be careful” even in our off hours because you never know if a parent or an administrator is around. We were told: “You have to watch your mouth, you shouldn’t drink, you shouldn’t act a certain way or do or say anything you couldn’t say and do around your students”. So for a long time I lived by that. I’ve always been “careful” when out with my friends. I tried to not use such spicy language. Hell, I even dressed the part of a teacher most of the time (even during the summer). I very rarely drank (okay that has a lot to do with my mom too) and I NEVER took chances or stepped out of what I perceived as my comfort zone.
Maybe it’s the fact that I’m getting ready to start my seventeenth year of teaching, maybe it’s me finally being on my own and coming out of my self-imposed shell, or maybe it’s a combination of a lot of different, smaller factors, but I’m finally starting to relax and loosen the reigns a little bit. I’m realizing it’s okay to not have to be so controlled and so rigid all the time. It’s okay to be myself and to show myself to the outside world. It’s okay to take leaps of faith and put myself out there and see what happens. I’ve been taking a lot of leaps of faith the last few moths and absolutely loving it! **SALTY LANGUAGE WARNING** My new mantra is, “You have to fuck around to find out”. It’s so true and can be applied to so many different scenarios! So that’s what I’ve been doing the last few months. I’m fucking around and finding out! What I’m finding out is that I like Jamie 2.0!
Part of my “awakening” was me getting a few piercings and tattoos. My family thinks I’m going through a mid-life crisis. Some days I feel old, but I still think I’m too young for a mid-life crisis. I never had piercings before outside of the single ones in my ears, and I only had one very small, insignificant tattoo that I had gotten when I was 19 (my one act of rebellion in my teen years and a dare from a friend who called me a chicken haha!). I always felt like my friends would judge me if I got them. I had gotten my nose pierced last July with my cousin, and my friends were shocked when they saw me. They asked me a million questions about it, and I could tell by their words and the way they stared, that they were questioning it. It was actually quite interesting. Most people didn’t even notice my piercing until I pointed it out. But they of course noticed it right away and were like, “What’s that??” And thus brought on the onslaught of side-looks and questions.
I started getting tattoos around October-ish. Kind of right after I moved actually. I had been thinking about getting a tattoo for a while. Being at my new school made me realize it’s okay to be a teacher and have tattoos. There are a ton of teachers at my school with tattoos. I noticed when attending professional development trainings, that there are actually a lot of tattooed teachers and I never realized it before. Ink on your skin does not change who you are, or how effective of a teacher you can be. I was talking to one of the girls I work with at job two about wanting one, and she gave me the information for the tattoo artist she had been using, and loved. So I bit the bullet and went in for a consultation. I was hooked from the get-go!
For my first tattoo, I ended up getting a dragonfly on my wrist. My mom had a thing for dragonflies so it seemed like a fitting tattoo. After that, I got the words “And Miles to Go Before I Sleep” in a really pretty font on my arm. It’s from a Robert Frost poem called “Stopping By the Woods On a Snowy Evening”. My dad liked the poem and I love the sentiment because it reminds me of running. After THAT I made a deal with a student I taught in 7th grade at my school. He was in 8th grade and said he wants to be a tattoo artist when he graduates. Myself and another teacher made a deal with him and told him that if he passed the semester and earned reward day (only 1 F, no office referrals, fewer than 4 tardies for the quarter) we would get a tattoo that he designed. We gave him some ideas and let him go to town. The deal was, we would pick the one we liked the best and get that one.
Needless to say he CRUSHED the quarter and I found myself back in the tattoo chair. I gave his design to my artist, all she did was clean it up a little and left everything else the way he designed it. I couldn’t have been happier with the result! I got that done in December, over our break from school so I could show it to him in January when we came back for the new semester. I don’t think he actually believed I would get it and he was shocked and pleased at the same time. It made me really happy to see the expression on his face! (Look how red I get!)
After that tattoo I got one more. (So far-ha!) As I stated earlier, since I moved I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and I realized I get myself into a lot of hot water because I can be impulsive and impatient and I overthink and overreact sometimes, okay a lot of the time, without thinking. I can have patience for days when it comes to school and working with students, but when it comes to my own life, I need answers now, I need decisions to be made, and I don’t wait and will often overthink and jump to conclusions.
I love the Beatles. That’s something I shared with my dad. He got me listening to them when I was a kid and I have loved them ever since. I got the phrase “Let it be” on my rib cage. Again it’s very small and is written in a very beautiful script. When I’m overthinking or when I feel myself start to spin, I just look at that to remind myself to just slow down, let it be, and remember that whatever is going to happen~will. I loved my tattoo artist. She truly did an amazing job and treated me so kindly with how much of a Nervous Nellie I am! If you want to check out her work (if you ever want a tattoo in AZ) the link to her Instagram is here. Sadly she moved to the other side of Phoenix (very far drive for someone who does not like to drive on the freeways in Phoenix and gets lost every 5 seconds). I’ve been feeling lately like I want to get another tattoo (I’m hooked).
I was actually really nervous about showing my family, especially my grandmother, my tattoos. I was afraid they would judge me. I always have this “She’s her mother’s daughter” thing stuck in my head that I’m afraid they say about me when I’m not around. I know that’s not the case, but the insecure part of me whispers it to me now and again. As I stated earlier, I’m very emotional and can be kind of crazy when I’m spinning out. My mom was also kind of crazy and had her own way of dealing with things. I don’t really “fit” with my family (although we all pretend I do). My very Catholic grandmother was actually the most supportive of anyone. She said, “At least your tattoos have meaning and you aren’t just getting random things on your body. And the fact that the dragonfly was for my mom (her daughter) made her smile.
I’ve also gotten a couple of piercings. I had gotten the nose piercing done last summer. It healed nicely and I changed it out for a ring instead of a stud (my friend Matt told me it’s very “punk rock”.) I also got my helix pierced (again with a ring). That’s the spot on the top of the ear. My most recent piercing is my tragus on the same ear as the helix. The tragus is the little bone flap that protrudes over your ear hole (just to put a visual to it). Oddly enough, none of them hurt like I thought they would. I think my nose piercing hurt worse than the others. I think about getting another one from time to time, but honestly I don’t know what I’d get. Maybe some day, inspiration will strike.
This is turning out to be a longer post than I intended, but like I said, it’s a catch-up post (more or less).
As far as running, I’m still trying to get out there and run a few days a week. I was running before school when it was cooler out and still dark, but something happened that creeped me out (a story for another time) so I started running on the dreadmill at the gym before school. Honestly kind of stopped running toward the end of March because the end of the school year kicks the crap out of me and I was exhausted all the time and just couldn’t get out of bed at 4:30 to get to the gym. Oh! I also found out I am B12 deficient so I’ve been having to get shots every month for that (it partially explains my tiredness all the time). Apparently I was “dangerously low” so she has me on the shots and a daily supplement. I just got follow up blood work done and now she wants to see me in her office (uh oh!) It’s kind of like getting called to the principal’s office with no context.
I started running again as soon as summer hit. I’ve been running outside and I’m loving it. I have had to run on the treadmill at the gym a few times when it’s been too hot, but for the most part I’ve been doing great outside! I’ve changed up my playlist too. I have gone back to my high school/college days when I listened to more rock and alternative music. I used to love Godsmack, Rage Against The Machine, Korn, etc. So I’ve added a new playlist that includes some of my old faves and some of my new ones. I’ve been getting into metal more lately too. Bands like Slipknot, Static-X and Seether and occasionally Slayer have also made their way onto my playlist. I call it “Hard Run” haha.
One of my new favorite bands is called Shallowsky. I don’t know why but their music just appeals to me on a deep level. I linked their website to their name, on it you can find links to their social media pages. I HIGHLY suggest you check them out. I’m going to link their newest release too. This song keeps popping up towards the end of my runs lately and it just hits different for me. It’s like it lights my afterburners and gets me through that last little bit with the motivation that I need to finish strong!
Runs Through Sprinklers 